It's been over a week since I've posted and while that's not a particularly big deal to most, considering my readership consists of maybe 4 people, it is to me for a couple of reasons. Or maybe it's just one big reason with a number of parts.

I like to pretend that I have no idea why I started blogging but that's a lie. I do it because being at home with a baby is really hard for me, PARALYZINGLY HARD at least some days which has a lot to do with old demons, depressive tendencies and a propensity to obsess. Blogging gives me an outlet and in writing I at least gain perspective and at best I find humor in my frustrations and insecurities.

The rub, as evidenced by my week of non-posts, is that the demons often preclude the writing and the perspective eludes me. The obsession last week was the Mamacita starting Montessori school yesterday. So great was my fixation that I couldn't stop thinking about, talking about and planning for it. It took absolute precedence and for all I cared the rest of my life had stopped because THERON. IS. STARTING. SCHOOL. AND. IT'S. ALL. MY. FAULT.

Like I said, being at home with a baby has proven freakishly difficult for me so I decided to do some part-time work. My pre-baby career was in nonprofit management and since part-time works exists only theoretically in the nonprofit sector, I opted to get my real estate license and join the swelling ranks of house hawkers. I actually love checking out our local real estate scene and helping friends with that end of things so blah, blah, blah the upshot is that I can get my license in 4 short weeks if I go to classes full-time, Monday through Friday. Hence, THERON. IS. STARTING. SCHOOL. AND. IT'S. MY. FAULT.

She's not going to school every day. Actually just two times a week with Sunshiny Landon picking up the slack at our house. But she's two weeks shy of the 1-year mark and no one except Geoff, Sunshine and me has really taken care of her and always it has been in our home. Now we were talking strangers and other kids and a foreign environment and good god there were about 8 million details to occupy my frenetic, tunnel visioned mind.

If I had bothered to blog last week when these details were nesting in every crevice of my brain, I might have lit upon a few comforting shards of reality. One, this is a very temporary necessity and if things don't work out we can withdraw her in one month. Two, the Mamacita is at a point where she really enjoys being around other kids because they fascinate her. Guess what they have at school? Other kids! Three, I did a lot of research and spoke with/visited a lot of places before deciding on THIS AWESOME SCHOOL with its highly qualified staff and super low teacher-to-student ratio. These people know how to take care of kids. Even mine.

Unfortunately these revelations eluded me until the inevitable occurred. The day came and went and everything was fine. There were a few tears when I left, after hanging out for an hour and a half, and she was pretty much worn out last night but truly? EVERYTHING. WAS. FINE. She ate, she napped, when I arrived to pick her up she was playing contentedly and when she saw me she did not scurry frantically toward me. In this case only, I count that as a good thing.

So now that my mind has cleared and I've written the post I should have last week, maybe I can get back to blogging in earnest. Or in humor, you know whatever. And maybe next time I will utilize this tool to pacify the unfathomable, chaotic mind I like to call mine.


Anonymous Imperfect Mommy said...

Oh... how I know. I remember leaving Madeline for the first time and I was a wreck. She was fine. I still hate leaving her. But I really think it is better for you both. Getting outside of your own brain helps so much, so I think it is great that you are doing the real estate thing. And the blogging part has been beyond helpful in attempting to maintain sanity. I had my own meltdown today that I will be broadcasting shortly... something about the fact that someone is listening (even if it's a random person or no one even reads it) is so helpful.

I'm rambling. But I sure am glad I'm not the only one out there.

May 04, 2006 10:42 AM  

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